WAS IT MY LAST?

The last thing I want to do is blurt out personal feelings on the blog, but somehow I find myself opening up the Microsoft word and typing down these words….

Come 2016, I thought everything would fall into place and that it would be better than 2015! But I was wrong.

 January was such a terrible month. I had to keep going to hospital for one reason or another. Started with a minor flu for a week, then ended up having a minor surgery to remove a cyst behind my right ear which needed stitches, then an emergency doctor tells me that the severe pain on my foot must be because of gout! Seriously! As if I don’t have enough health issues already!!!!!

And then! I FAINT!

Since I got sick, I might have fainted about five times now, and every time I faint, in that 10 to 20 seconds of the blackout moment, I can see my whole world.

The most recent one scared me so much. Some think I should get used to by now, but do tell, DOES ANY ONE GET USED TO SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

I don’t really know how to explain the pain, I could feel every single nerve in my body being stretched and the whole nerves cramping and merging towards my heart.

“Please don’t faint,” I murmured to myself as I sat down on the doorstep of my room and the next thing I wake up to was my head throbbing with pain for putting the dead weight on the doorstep.

In that blackout moment, I remembering seeing my daughter and singing her favorite lullaby ‘rock a bye baby.’

The last wish always comes true, I was told once. And as the whole world flashed before my eyes, the only prayer or wish I left for my daughter was for her to have a happy, healthy life and for her to NEVER FORGET ME!

REST IN PEACE dear sister...

Will this day (July 23, 2014) ever be the same for my family? The sky is covered with grey dark clouds and the tap on the window from the rain pouring outside, my family is also going through the pain of losing a loved one....Today, we LOST a sister.

Nothing will ever remain the same.

Just 26 years old, and she has already seen the worst of pains.. four years of having suffered the unthinkable pains, she finally breathe her last breath yesterday at 7 am in the morning. 

She is finally free of her pain, and her sufferings. She deserves another chance, another life to relive those moments she missed out in this life.

The special memories of you will always bring smiles on our faces. You are missed and you will remain in our hearts for ever. 

My little cousin sister, Yangchey aka Mindu Zam, i hope you will find your way back into our lives again.. you were a great mother, a great wife and the most loving daughter. 

REST IN PEACE LITTLE SISTER....

being positive despite everything....

Dear Blog, since i have started blogging, you have been a good friend listening to me, pouring out my frustration, sharing my feelings, writing all the crap that is going on in my life. It is quite sometime since i have written anything. 
I have not forgotten you my dear friend. It's just that i haven't felt the need to blog for a while. 
I am back again! back again with my frustration, if that is what you will call. 
Since my sickness, i have written things that were a little hard to say out loud and here i m again, writing about my sickness. 
Its five years now.. five years since i first got the shocking news of my life... the first time i 'fainted' in my life... the first time i really saw the worry on my parent's face. 
So much has changed since then. 
I have always written about being positive and being very strong despite my illness, don't be mistaken, i am still very positive and strong, but SOMETIMES.... i lose it!
When i look down on my chest, i can see my left side of the chest beat so fast. Even when i m relaxed, my heart goes into the galloping rhythm, it freaks me. 
It is so hard for me to do anything normal. 
Changing my sheets are a difficult chore for me. 
Five years.... and still in the same situation. Many doctors told me that it is good to be in the same condition. Their exact words were "you should know that you are not gonna get any better. You should be happy that you are in the same condition for the past five years and that you are not getting worse." 
I sometimes wonder if it is a blessing that i am in the same condition as before or if i m cursed for not getting better!!!
Oh! five years of my illness has taught me to be very careful. I have an oxrimeter which was a gift from a doctor friend. An oximeter helps me monitor my oxygen level. If my oxygen level when i am walking or doing anything heavy goes below 90, i am to be admitted. Luckily for me, it has never gone down below 90 (fingers crossed). But it is difficult to say the same about my pulse rate... Oh! one time, i just climbed about 13 stairs and my pulse went up to over 150. 
I have also fainted so many things, i have lots track of it. But each time i fainted, I had no recollection of that few minutes i was blacked-out! Scary thought, but i have learned to live with it. 
After almost a year, i m writing this blog because every time i see my heart beat so fast, every time i faint, It feels like it is gonna be the last of it. Last of my pain... last of this illness... last of my life!!
BUT I AM STILL VERY POSITIVE.. POSITIVE OF ME NOT GETTING WELL BUT OF LIVING MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST.. OF BEING STRONG FOR MY PARENTS.. OF OVERCOMING MY ILLNESS ONE DAY... and.......of being satisfied with my life... 

stronger.. or weaker!!!!

"You have to be strong for you and your family," - the words that have been repeated to me a thousand times and now these words have painted a false me in front of others...

I am suppose to be strong... I would hate to admit otherwise... but what if i am WEAK!!! what if i am not able to deal with things that are going to come along... AM I REALLY READY TO FACE IT????

The question linger with me every second.. and now i wonder... I look strong.. i speak strong.. i walk strong... i think strong... but am i?

I hate to even think that i am not strong.. cuz if you are not strong.. you are weak... fragile.. easy to break... I hate to be that...

But all i want to do is be myself... doesn't matter whether i m strong or weak... i am ME...

Vilshofen Memoir

Where do I even begin? I have so many fond memories of my stay in Germany that words cannot even begin to express how I fell.

Frankly I wasn’t prepared to go to Germany but who would have let the opportunity to go to Europe just slip away. I took it but I wasn’t sure what to expect.

But the month long stay in Vilshofen was one that holds a special place in my heart.

Above all the good experiences and meeting new people, I met two wonderful host families. They were the BEST.

Alois and Christiane

I met Christiane and Alois at the dinner party Helmuth Rucker had the week i was there in Vilshofen. I met many other friends there but the couple were the ones who had my attention.

They are like my second parent. They cared for me so much that Germany felt more like home than just a visiting place.

They are both in their late 50’s. Yet with me, they felt more than friends. Chrsitiane was very caring. Being a pharmacist, she took care of my health and made sure i had a lot of greens to eat. 

On the other hand, Alois was more like a father, who would spend time talking to me. I still remember the way he use to greet me in the morning and bid good night at night. I miss them so so much. 

Christiane has two sons but does not have a daughter so the shopping we went was her first time with a girl. We shopped so so much and she gifted me a nice dress and a fur coat to keep me warm. 

I miss them dearly. 

Helmuth and Carmen

They were my first host and the first people i met and talked to when i landed in Germany. Carmen and i became friends really fast. Their sons, Elias and Till, were so adorable and so welcoming. I became very close to Till, their youngest son and i loved him more like my younger brother. 

My first week passed getting to know them but as time went on, they began to hold very special place in my heart. 

They took me around and we took many pictures. 

I miss you all so much.

Though there are tones i wanna share, many things could  not be put in the worlds.. yet they remain in my heart to be cherish every day. 

Love you all and i hope one day that i will be able to visit Germany again and be with you all again... 

Welcoming the newest member of our family!!!

Hearing about a new member joining our large family, we were more than happy... with everyone growing so fast, our little Tobjur who was the youngest is now an older brother…

We would feel the kick of the baby… and when she finally came, the day was filled with so much joy..

Congratulations my little cousin sister.. May you find parenthood a breeze and be able to look back with fond memories.

It was such wonderful news.

Normally I would wait for a week to see the baby.. but when she was born, I couldn't wait.

Wanting to see her first bath, I rushed… I picked her up and I held her tight.

Small baby are my weakness.. I could spoil them forever…

It is now a month and four days since my little youngest niece was born… I cant wait to hold her again and pamper her… and of course spoil her.. 

May you bring so much happiness and good health to your parents

Unmemorable Emergency Exit!

Ever sat next to an Emergency Exit! I did and it freaked me out!!!!
It was during my flight to Chennai. Me and my mom somehow got the seat next to the Emergency exit. I was already so scared when an air hostess comes by and starts explaining what needs to be done during an EMERGENCY!! Seriously!!!!

I read the emergency kit hoping that nothing happens but after just an hour in the air, the plane starts to shake. My mom was chanting her prayers. I held on the to seat for my dear life when suddenly the plane drops few inches below. I just let out a scream.

It was a scary experience. Though i would very much like to be near an exit during any emergency, i definitely want to skip seating next to an emergency exit in a plane ....

Read it well and understand it so that when an emergency occurs, you dont have to be looking for the kit :)