being positive despite everything....

Dear Blog, since i have started blogging, you have been a good friend listening to me, pouring out my frustration, sharing my feelings, writing all the crap that is going on in my life. It is quite sometime since i have written anything. 
I have not forgotten you my dear friend. It's just that i haven't felt the need to blog for a while. 
I am back again! back again with my frustration, if that is what you will call. 
Since my sickness, i have written things that were a little hard to say out loud and here i m again, writing about my sickness. 
Its five years now.. five years since i first got the shocking news of my life... the first time i 'fainted' in my life... the first time i really saw the worry on my parent's face. 
So much has changed since then. 
I have always written about being positive and being very strong despite my illness, don't be mistaken, i am still very positive and strong, but SOMETIMES.... i lose it!
When i look down on my chest, i can see my left side of the chest beat so fast. Even when i m relaxed, my heart goes into the galloping rhythm, it freaks me. 
It is so hard for me to do anything normal. 
Changing my sheets are a difficult chore for me. 
Five years.... and still in the same situation. Many doctors told me that it is good to be in the same condition. Their exact words were "you should know that you are not gonna get any better. You should be happy that you are in the same condition for the past five years and that you are not getting worse." 
I sometimes wonder if it is a blessing that i am in the same condition as before or if i m cursed for not getting better!!!
Oh! five years of my illness has taught me to be very careful. I have an oxrimeter which was a gift from a doctor friend. An oximeter helps me monitor my oxygen level. If my oxygen level when i am walking or doing anything heavy goes below 90, i am to be admitted. Luckily for me, it has never gone down below 90 (fingers crossed). But it is difficult to say the same about my pulse rate... Oh! one time, i just climbed about 13 stairs and my pulse went up to over 150. 
I have also fainted so many things, i have lots track of it. But each time i fainted, I had no recollection of that few minutes i was blacked-out! Scary thought, but i have learned to live with it. 
After almost a year, i m writing this blog because every time i see my heart beat so fast, every time i faint, It feels like it is gonna be the last of it. Last of my pain... last of this illness... last of my life!!
BUT I AM STILL VERY POSITIVE.. POSITIVE OF ME NOT GETTING WELL BUT OF LIVING MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST.. OF BEING STRONG FOR MY PARENTS.. OF OVERCOMING MY ILLNESS ONE DAY... and.......of being satisfied with my life...