being positive despite everything....

Dear Blog, since i have started blogging, you have been a good friend listening to me, pouring out my frustration, sharing my feelings, writing all the crap that is going on in my life. It is quite sometime since i have written anything. 
I have not forgotten you my dear friend. It's just that i haven't felt the need to blog for a while. 
I am back again! back again with my frustration, if that is what you will call. 
Since my sickness, i have written things that were a little hard to say out loud and here i m again, writing about my sickness. 
Its five years now.. five years since i first got the shocking news of my life... the first time i 'fainted' in my life... the first time i really saw the worry on my parent's face. 
So much has changed since then. 
I have always written about being positive and being very strong despite my illness, don't be mistaken, i am still very positive and strong, but SOMETIMES.... i lose it!
When i look down on my chest, i can see my left side of the chest beat so fast. Even when i m relaxed, my heart goes into the galloping rhythm, it freaks me. 
It is so hard for me to do anything normal. 
Changing my sheets are a difficult chore for me. 
Five years.... and still in the same situation. Many doctors told me that it is good to be in the same condition. Their exact words were "you should know that you are not gonna get any better. You should be happy that you are in the same condition for the past five years and that you are not getting worse." 
I sometimes wonder if it is a blessing that i am in the same condition as before or if i m cursed for not getting better!!!
Oh! five years of my illness has taught me to be very careful. I have an oxrimeter which was a gift from a doctor friend. An oximeter helps me monitor my oxygen level. If my oxygen level when i am walking or doing anything heavy goes below 90, i am to be admitted. Luckily for me, it has never gone down below 90 (fingers crossed). But it is difficult to say the same about my pulse rate... Oh! one time, i just climbed about 13 stairs and my pulse went up to over 150. 
I have also fainted so many things, i have lots track of it. But each time i fainted, I had no recollection of that few minutes i was blacked-out! Scary thought, but i have learned to live with it. 
After almost a year, i m writing this blog because every time i see my heart beat so fast, every time i faint, It feels like it is gonna be the last of it. Last of my pain... last of this illness... last of my life!!
BUT I AM STILL VERY POSITIVE.. POSITIVE OF ME NOT GETTING WELL BUT OF LIVING MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST.. OF BEING STRONG FOR MY PARENTS.. OF OVERCOMING MY ILLNESS ONE DAY... and.......of being satisfied with my life... 

stronger.. or weaker!!!!

"You have to be strong for you and your family," - the words that have been repeated to me a thousand times and now these words have painted a false me in front of others...

I am suppose to be strong... I would hate to admit otherwise... but what if i am WEAK!!! what if i am not able to deal with things that are going to come along... AM I REALLY READY TO FACE IT????

The question linger with me every second.. and now i wonder... I look strong.. i speak strong.. i walk strong... i think strong... but am i?

I hate to even think that i am not strong.. cuz if you are not strong.. you are weak... fragile.. easy to break... I hate to be that...

But all i want to do is be myself... doesn't matter whether i m strong or weak... i am ME...

Vilshofen Memoir

Where do I even begin? I have so many fond memories of my stay in Germany that words cannot even begin to express how I fell.

Frankly I wasn’t prepared to go to Germany but who would have let the opportunity to go to Europe just slip away. I took it but I wasn’t sure what to expect.

But the month long stay in Vilshofen was one that holds a special place in my heart.

Above all the good experiences and meeting new people, I met two wonderful host families. They were the BEST.

Alois and Christiane

I met Christiane and Alois at the dinner party Helmuth Rucker had the week i was there in Vilshofen. I met many other friends there but the couple were the ones who had my attention.

They are like my second parent. They cared for me so much that Germany felt more like home than just a visiting place.

They are both in their late 50’s. Yet with me, they felt more than friends. Chrsitiane was very caring. Being a pharmacist, she took care of my health and made sure i had a lot of greens to eat. 

On the other hand, Alois was more like a father, who would spend time talking to me. I still remember the way he use to greet me in the morning and bid good night at night. I miss them so so much. 

Christiane has two sons but does not have a daughter so the shopping we went was her first time with a girl. We shopped so so much and she gifted me a nice dress and a fur coat to keep me warm. 

I miss them dearly. 

Helmuth and Carmen

They were my first host and the first people i met and talked to when i landed in Germany. Carmen and i became friends really fast. Their sons, Elias and Till, were so adorable and so welcoming. I became very close to Till, their youngest son and i loved him more like my younger brother. 

My first week passed getting to know them but as time went on, they began to hold very special place in my heart. 

They took me around and we took many pictures. 

I miss you all so much.

Though there are tones i wanna share, many things could  not be put in the worlds.. yet they remain in my heart to be cherish every day. 

Love you all and i hope one day that i will be able to visit Germany again and be with you all again... 

Welcoming the newest member of our family!!!

Hearing about a new member joining our large family, we were more than happy... with everyone growing so fast, our little Tobjur who was the youngest is now an older brother…

We would feel the kick of the baby… and when she finally came, the day was filled with so much joy..

Congratulations my little cousin sister.. May you find parenthood a breeze and be able to look back with fond memories.

It was such wonderful news.

Normally I would wait for a week to see the baby.. but when she was born, I couldn't wait.

Wanting to see her first bath, I rushed… I picked her up and I held her tight.

Small baby are my weakness.. I could spoil them forever…

It is now a month and four days since my little youngest niece was born… I cant wait to hold her again and pamper her… and of course spoil her.. 

May you bring so much happiness and good health to your parents

Unmemorable Emergency Exit!

Ever sat next to an Emergency Exit! I did and it freaked me out!!!!
It was during my flight to Chennai. Me and my mom somehow got the seat next to the Emergency exit. I was already so scared when an air hostess comes by and starts explaining what needs to be done during an EMERGENCY!! Seriously!!!!

I read the emergency kit hoping that nothing happens but after just an hour in the air, the plane starts to shake. My mom was chanting her prayers. I held on the to seat for my dear life when suddenly the plane drops few inches below. I just let out a scream.

It was a scary experience. Though i would very much like to be near an exit during any emergency, i definitely want to skip seating next to an emergency exit in a plane ....

Read it well and understand it so that when an emergency occurs, you dont have to be looking for the kit :)

AM I NOT A GOOD DAUGHTER?

I never asked myself this question but now! i think its time i do.

AM I NOT A GOOD DAUGHTER?

I have always tried to be a good daughter to my parents. I am trying my best to financially support them, emotionally be there for them and like any other good daughter, i am always there when they need me.

But recently, things seems to have changed. My parents are the ones who are there for me emotionally and trying to make me feel better and be positive of my life.

Yet, i m stressing them too much. I am putting too much of my tension on them and they have been worried hell for me.

My mother has lost weight because she stresses too much. she stresses because of me. I am the main cause for my mother worrying too much.

On the other hand, my father ain't too good himself. He has not looked so old or tired. He is almost 63 years but he does not look old because of his age, but the worry of my future worries him a lot. The lines on his forehead and the corner of his eyes say it all.

I am not well. My heart is weak and so are my lungs making me harder to breath and do any kind of work. I feel guilty and i try to do what i can but it's just not even a quarter of what others do. Primary Pulmonary Hypertension is a rare disease with no cure but i pray in my heart that a miracle will happen. A MIRACLE that will relief my parents from the stress and burden and a MIRACLE that will help me be a good daughter i always wanted to be.....

I LOVE U and I M SO SORRY :(

Mills & Boons fantasy

If novels can decide the fate, many girls would have found their perfect man without having to look so hard. Like me, there are many girls who read Mills and Boons. These novels may not be great literature but have fairy tale sweetness and happy endings, most girls usually dream about.

Who does wish for Happy Endings? Everyone wants to smile when you have completed a novel or a movie. A happy ending leaves you wearing a broad smile despite knowing that it is not real. On many occasions, I have slept a good night’s sleep after having completed a Mills and Boons novel.
My teacher once told me that it does not matter what you read, but you should read. That was when I started reading these novels.

These Mills and Boons novels have perfect protagonists. Many a time, the guy is rich and ruthless yet unresistiblly attractive while on the other hand, the girl is poor but has the perfect body that captures the rich guy’s attention.

Despite all the ups and down, the rich guy falls in love with the poor girl and they live a happily ever after.
How often does this ending happen in real life? I believe only about one percent of the people in love actually truly experience such bliss. Rest compromise!

When we meet someone, we feel that he or she is the right person for you, however for some unlucky ones, it is not the case. Some girls meet the worst ever nightmares and some guys end up with their worst better half.

It is either the guy ends up with a dominating and a very controlling wife or the girl ends up with a husband who hits her or abuses her.

“Reality does not always happen the way it is written in novels. These are fiction. Something that is imagined,” my close friend once told me when I told her that the Mills and Boons novels are good.
Yet these novels give HOPE of having a happy ending, a hope of finding the perfect soul mate.

I have more than 100 Mills and Boons on my shelf. I read a novel and after a year or so, I re-read it because every time I read I get what the author is trying to say through the dialogues and the character.
Spending every penny on Mills and Boons novel is worth it for me as it brings a smile on my face at THE END.

Some guys however read these novels for the sex part. The novel describes sex scenes explicitly that a colleague of mine once told me that when he was young, he masturbated reading these novels.

Well, that’s altogether another story! No one but he would best tell it.